You can't always get what you want. But it's worth a shot.

cpolk asked me to edit a mailing list post I made and post it here. And since I'm in favour of women asking for what they want, I shall of course do it.

As part of a discussion on how romantic fiction raises 'unrealistic expectations' in women, I said in a comment to fajrdrako:

"Have I somehow known you for this long without ever inflicting upon you the rant which begins "Women in Western culture, having generally been raised to live on figurative and sometimes literal table scraps, need to learn to consult their needs and desires and abilities in setting their goals, and forget about their probably completely insane sense of what they might 'realistically' expect or be said to deserve."?

And someone asked me to expand, so I did, though really, that's the gist of it. If you catch me in person there are Amusing Hand Gestures, tending to Amusing Whole Upper Body Gestures as I get going, but they don't add a lot of actual additional info.

But here is the very short version:

WOMEN NEED TO LEARN TO ASK FOR EVERY DAMN THING THEY WANT.

And here are some notes:

Yes, you. Yes, everything. Yes, even that.

All of it. Because it's true. We're mostly raised to live on table scraps, to wait and see what's going when everyone else has been served and then choose from what's left. And that's crap, and it'll get you crap.

Forget the limited menu of things that you automatically assume is all that's available given your (gender, looks, social class, education, financial position, reputation, family, damage level, etc etc etc), and start reading the whole menu instead.

Then figure out what you want. Then check what you've got and figure out how to get it. And then go after it baldheaded till either you make it happen or you decide that its real cost is more than it's worth to you.

As a corollary, if there's a person in your life who's always reminding you not to ask for too much because it might in some unspecified but horrible way get you in trouble or make you look arrogant or selfish or otherwise come back and bite you on the butt, avoid that person. Unless she's you, in which case do what you have to do to change the record she's playing.

Ask respectfully, sure. Consider others, sure. Play fair, absolutely.

BUT ASK FOR EVERYTHING YOU WANT.

This is all.

...Listening to the rain/And the passing cars/And the waves on English Bay...

English Bay at sunset, Sunday, December 10, 2006, as seen from the bar of the Sylvia Hotel.

Thanks to Greg Marshall, who took the picture from the table beside mine and emailed me the picture